Written by: Angela Derrick, Ph.D. & Susan McClanahan, Ph.D.
Date Posted: November 4, 2024 2:25 am
Gender roles under patriarchy create an atmosphere where the responsibility of emotional labor will commonly fall squarely on the shoulders of women. Is it any wonder women are overworked and exhausted?! They are also under-represented in leadership roles, partly because the strain of solely bearing the obligation of emotional labor can be too overwhelming. The mental load, especially when externally enforced, can lead to physical illness and emotional burnout.
Is Emotional Labor a Good Thing?
We want to be clear that emotional labor in and of itself is necessary and good for individuals and communities. In fact, being skilled at emotional labor helps us with:
The list of valuable contributions to the fabric of our society goes on and on.
When Does it Become Problematic?
The trouble begins when emotional labor is relegated almost exclusively to one gender or the helping professions and conflated with “women’s work.” When we associate emotional labor as the domain of women, we are essentially consigning it (unfairly) to being undervalued and, most often, not even seen or acknowledged as real work. Emotional labor is necessary for functioning relationships, families, communities, and workplaces. If we don’t assign it the value it deserves and likewise spread out and share the burden, we can easily see how the mental & physical load becomes too heavy to bear and leads to compromised health and burnout.
The traditional definition of emotional labor, introduced by sociologist Arlie Hochschild in her 1983 book The Managed Heart, refers to the process of managing one’s emotions to align with social or professional expectations. Emotional labor can include displaying cheerfulness or calmness in order to meet professional obligations, even when they don’t align with one’s true feelings. This practice is often expected of those in customer service or healthcare-related professions. Research has shown that it also affects women at any level, even when they are at the top of their fields as it is enforced unequally (emotional labor is not expected of men in top leadership positions).
In a broader context, emotional labor now includes the unpaid and often invisible emotional efforts put into maintaining relationships, running a household, resolving conflicts, and caring for others at an interpersonal level. The constant pressure on women to manage their emotions for the comfort of others and, at the same time, not historically required of men highlights the unequal, gender-based nature of these expectations.
I married my husband in the early 90’s. At just 24 years old, I had the energy and naivety that comes from being young and newly venturing out on life. My setup was traditional. I took care of the household, made all the plans, and worked full-time. My now ex-husband also worked full-time and watched a lot of sports.
The following may seem like a silly example, but it shows what became a frustrating pattern of behavior. When I asked for help doing laundry, he did it so poorly and asked so many questions that it seemed easier just to do it myself. Keep in mind that he was several years older than me and had been doing his own laundry just fine before we met. The term weaponized incompetence didn’t even exist when I accused him of pretending that he couldn’t figure stuff out just so I would stop asking. He gave me a knowing grin, which irritated me, but I still thought he was cute.
I was also fully responsible for doing the emotional labor to keep the relationship going, though I remember begging him to participate more actively. When time passed, and nothing changed, my irritation stayed, but not so much the cute. I felt alone. I was trying to keep all the balls in the air by myself because I believed if I didn’t, no one would. Experiencing this dynamic for almost a decade burned me out pretty completely.
We can see that when left to do the emotional labor alone in relationships, women can eventually become overwhelmed. We can also see that emotional labor is essential in relationships and everywhere, including in the workplace. For reasons we are coming to understand, women are better at, if not experts on, emotional labor, and we wondered how this would play out on the job, especially in leadership positions.
While researching this idea, we came across an article from the National Library of Medicine, “Heavier Lies Her Crown: Gendered Patterns of Leader Emotional Labor and Their Downstream Effects,” by Andrea C Vial and Colleen M Cowgill. In this paper, they expertly lay out why the motivation to practice emotional labor in the workplace to achieve organizational goals may be stronger in women than in men, why women are more accomplished at emotional labor, how they wield power from a more prosocial rather than dominant place, and how gender differences in leadership effectiveness tend to favor women over men in several areas including the following:
The authors argue that “these advantages and benefits may stem from female leaders’ greater tendency to use their power in prosocial ways, and that male leaders (and the organizations that they lead) would also generally benefit from practicing more emotional labor. Regardless of their gender, powerholders who practice emotional labor can foster an environment in which employees and subordinates feel supported, are happier, and perform better (Thomas et al., 2021).”
This research shows the benefits of emotional labor in general and of adopting a prosocial leadership style for both men and women. It explains why women have an advantage when it comes to emotional labor, but it is a skill that everyone can learn and cultivate. A more equitable sharing of these responsibilities would help alleviate the burden that is too heavy for women currently. That is not to say that men don’t also perform emotional labor, just that women carry it most often. There is much hope in embracing the prosocial leadership style and leveling the playing field for a more egalitarian demonstration of emotional labor. Read this fascinating article in its entirety here.
Prosocial behavior operates out of a care that benefits other individuals or society as a whole. It is a voluntary action that considers the community’s needs, whether that community is a neighbor, a family, or a corporation.
Prosocial behavior is cooperative (as opposed to dominating) and can include helping others, sharing, showing kindness, showing care for animals and the environment, following the rules (as opposed to thinking rules don’t apply to me), volunteering, showing comfort and concern to someone who is hurting, and pretty much anything else that is in service to the good of the community.
Whether intrinsically motivated (altruism) or brought about by outside motivations, prosocial behavior is a societal good worth tending to. We also believe this is a net good in terms of mental health.
Women are socialized from the start to have these qualities; perhaps some are innate. Women are also strongly motivated to perform emotional labor because our safety sometimes depends on it. The ability to correctly infer others’ emotions can help us determine if we are in danger. If we are at risk, we may have to employ the emotional labor of fawning to give ourselves a chance to get to safety. Under less dire circumstances, we may be expected to keep the peace and provide positive experiences for others.
Women are adept at emotional labor partly because of socialization into gender roles. From a young age, family and society encourages women to be empathetic, nurturing, and emotionally attuned to the needs of others, while encouraging boys to be competitive, independent, and emotionally reserved. Both traits align with societal expectations that women will take on caregiving roles and that boys will be leaders. Additionally, patriarchal norms often place the burden of maintaining harmony, emotional well-being, and conflict resolution on women, reinforcing their skills in emotional labor over time.
Women are often rewarded or valued for their relationship-centered work, reinforcing the expectation to be emotionally available and skilled at managing their own and others’ feelings. However, this can also lead to emotional exhaustion and unequal burdens in many aspects of life.
According to the World Health Organization, gender is socially constructed, varies from society to society, and can change over time. It’s hierarchical and produces inequalities that intersect with other social and economic disparities. Since gender is a social construct, then we would do well for those who face gender discrimination to work towards reconstructing it into a more humane and fair system.
Why should we work towards more equality? Rigid gender norms put everyone at risk, even men. Women and children are at the most significant risk worldwide for compromised reproductive health, diseases, and barriers to receiving medical care, as well as facing unacceptably high levels of violence rooted in gender inequality. Anyone who is gender nonconforming or LGBTQIA+ will bear similar, if not worse, consequences. Men also suffer from rigid societal ideas of masculinity that put them at risk of violence and substance abuse and make them less likely to seek medical or mental health services when they need them.
Constantly placing the responsibility of emotional labor exclusively onto women’s shoulders yields exhaustion, stress, and burnout. Over time, this burden can contribute to anxiety, depression, and a decrease in overall well-being. Recognizing and addressing emotional labor demands and spreading the responsibility across genders is essential for promoting mental health and fostering healthier work and personal environments.
Many strategies can help maintain our mental health. Here are just a few:
There are so many ways that the mental load of emotional labor and unequal gender expectations can keep women, girls, and other marginalized individuals from reaching their goals or full potential. Even with the strides we have made toward equality, young girls are still not encouraged or socialized to excel in the same way that traditionally presenting young boys are. Those who exhibit any gender-nonconforming characteristics are likewise at risk. Girls are often held to higher standards and regulated by shame and perfection, while boys are allowed to make mistakes and still receive praise.
Double standards set women up for a lifetime of over-laboring frequently without appropriate compensation and at the expense of their health. We would advocate for socializing boys and girls together to learn from each other. We think encouraging boys to develop prosocial behaviors while allowing girls more freedom to learn from their mistakes without unrealistic expectations of perfection would be a great start.
Women have been able to “share notes” on a grand scale because of social media. They have discovered that emotional labor driven by gendered expectations is an extremely common issue. As a result, many women are choosing to opt out of being solely responsible for the emotional labor in relationships and at work. They are feeling more supported in this endeavor than every before. Women often express that caring for themselves, their family, and an adult partner is too much. They want a significant other to share the mental load and be a true partner, not require even more emotional labor.
Women are raising awareness and strongly advocating for change in this area. They are creating a vacuum that some men are not yet equipped or desiring to fill. As you might expect, this widespread challenge of societal norms is provoking change, which can be pretty painful. Maintaining mental health for both men and women is so important through times of change. This process can be hopeful but also messy and lengthy.
At SpringSource, we strive to provide the most effective and compassionate care for individuals struggling with eating disorders, anxiety, depression, trauma, and relationship issues.
We believe there are many paths to healing, and we can help facilitate your individual recovery journey. With offices in downtown Chicago and Northbrook, Illinois, we offer in-person and virtual support.
Call SpringSource today at 224-202-6260 | info@springsourcecenter.com | We offer free 15-minute initial consultations—schedule here.
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