Practicing Self-Compassion Will Not Make Me Lazy, Weak, or Self-Indulgent.

Written by: Angela Derrick, Ph.D. & Susan McClanahan, Ph.D.

Date Posted: April 16, 2024 8:55 pm

Practicing Self-Compassion Will Not Make Me Lazy, Weak, or Self-Indulgent.

Self-compassion is vital for mental health & eating disorder recovery.

Self-compassion plays an essential role in mental well-being by challenging our inner critic, connecting to others through our shared humanity, building resilience, and taking a balanced, mindful approach to suffering.

Self-compassion is associated with many positive health indicators and has been shown to support recovery from eating disorders. Targeting self-compassion barriers early in treatment may help facilitate eating disorder (ED) recovery. It has been found that individuals in eating disorder treatment show lower self-compassion than peers. Self-compassion may be an antidote to shame for those with disordered eating.

Individuals express feeling fear that developing self-compassion would lead to losing achievements by not working “hard enough.” There are also fears that the pursuit of self-compassion would involve experiencing difficult emotions such as grief, anger, and hurt.

Please read the entire study here, Self-compassion and its barriers: predicting outcomes from inpatient and residential eating disorders treatment.

Practicing self-compassion is not just a mindset. Rather than just thinking about it as a vague concept, we want you to know there are quick exercises, such as this guide on taking a break, that you can practice as often as you need to throughout your day.

Below are the three elements of self-compassion:

Credit to Dr. Kristin Neff from the self-compassion.org website

• Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment: Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism. Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals. People cannot always be or get exactly what they want; when this reality is denied or fought against, suffering increases in the form of stress, frustration, and self-criticism. When this reality is accepted with sympathy and kindness, greater emotional equanimity is experienced.

• Common humanity vs. Isolation: Frustration at not having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation – as if “I” were the only person suffering or making mistakes. All humans suffer, however. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable, and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience – something we all go through rather than something that happens to “me” alone.

• Mindfulness vs. Over-identification: Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. This equilibrated stance stems from the process of relating personal experiences to those of others who are also suffering, thus putting our own situation into a larger perspective. It also stems from the willingness to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are without trying to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain and simultaneously feel compassion for it. At the same time, mindfulness requires that we not be “over-identified” with thoughts and feelings so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.

Let’s consider the benefits of learning to treat ourselves better. We so often treat others with kindness and compassion while our inner critics relentlessly dog our thoughts about ourselves.

When we neglect our own needs, feelings, wants, and values, we are sabotaging not only the love and tenderness we might show to ourselves but also our ability to connect at a deep and meaningful level with those around us. Adding insult to injury, our self-neglect robs us of the ability to express our authentic selves. What a loss!

These abandonment behaviors are self-protective coping mechanisms that likely started (and were needed) in childhood. Now, as adults, they cause us suffering and grief.

What can a greater sense of self-gentleness get us? More resilience, motivation, joy, mental health, and physical health. Yes, please!⁠

We find self-kindness to be a powerful tool. Treating ourselves with gentleness, humor, love, and respect may not come naturally, but it is often the way forward in recovery from an eating disorder and more.

Next, let’s explore concrete ways to incorporate more kindness into our lives.

1. Feeling Overly Responsible:

The angst starts creeping in when we feel overly responsible for situations out of our control or think we are to blame for other people’s emotions.

When we operate this way, we may experience heightened fear, anger, and critical self-talk. I’m not good enough. I am failing or a failure. I got an adverse reaction; therefore, I must have done something wrong.

While self-reflection is an important quality to develop for good emotional regulation, believing that we are responsible for practically everything is unbalanced and likely a trauma response.

Nurturing ourselves can lessen self-criticism by reminding us that we can be imperfect. We can share the suffering of our missteps in a community of others who also make mistakes.

Good self-care will remind us that we are not responsible for other people’s feelings or reactions. It will guide us to practice more loving kindness towards ourselves.

If you grew up in a home where there was dysfunction or addiction, you may be hard-wired to be critical of yourself. Developing a compassionate framework towards yourself will probably feel strange and nearly impossible to adopt at first. With time and help when needed, we assure you that change in this area can happen in small and profound ways. Learning to trust the practice, even when it feels grossly unfamiliar, is a part of the process of recovery.

2. Difficulty With Perfectionism:

Perfectionism can appear as a many-headed monster in our lives. In general, perfectionism has us reaching for flawlessness based on a set of standards that we had nothing to do with creating. Yet, we have a conditioned belief that achieving these standards will prove our worth.

We might also judge whether others are showing up as perfect and demand or expect that they do so.

In truth, this is an unnecessarily harsh way to live and a challenging cycle to break. Self-compassion can introduce a gentler and more tolerant way to exist in the world. It can ease the anxiety, tension, and depression that often accompanies perfectionism, while exposing the lie of perfectionism and instead prioritizing our shared humanity.

3. The Tendency Towards Self-Abandonment:

There are many ways to self-abandon, including:

We could spend all day adding to this list. It can be frightening to become aware of all the ways we self-abandon. Self-compassion can teach us to focus on taking care of ourselves in a way that confirms and reinforces that we are worthy of love, kindness, gentleness, and respect. When we practice this form of self-care, we are much more likely to seek the help we need to overcome our abandonment issues and all that stems from it.

Research shows that compared to self-esteem, self-compassion is less associated with comparisons with others and is less contingent on appearance, social approval, or successful performance. It also provides a more stable sense of self-worth over time.

For an in-depth analysis, check out Dr. Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion, Self-Esteem, and Well-Being

Credit to Dr. Kristin Neff from the self-compassion.org website. Find more myths here

Practicing Self-Compassion Will Make Me Weak or Soft.

Some people associate being harsh with themselves as toughness and worry that self-compassion will make them vulnerable or weak.

Truth: The supportive stance of self-compassion provides strength to face the battles of life. Research shows that self-compassionate people are better able to deal with stressful situations like natural disasters, military combat, health challenges, raising special needs children, and divorce.

It Will Undermine My Motivation.

The number one block to adopting self-compassion is the fear that it will make us complacent or unproductive and that we need to be self-critical to motivate change.

Truth: Self-compassion is a more effective motivator than harsh self-criticism. We try to achieve not to avoid self-judgment but because we care about ourselves. This supportive mindset better enables us to learn from our mistakes and failures. Research shows that self-compassion engenders a learning and growth orientation that improves performance.

It’s Self-Indulgent.

Some think that being kind to yourself means taking it easy or doing what feels good at the moment.

Truth: Self-indulgence involves giving oneself short-term pleasure at the expense of long-term harm. When we care about ourselves, we’re willing to undergo discomfort for our well-being. Research shows that self-compassionate people are more likely to exercise, eat well, get regular medical checkups, and generally engage in health-promoting behavior.

As therapists in the eating disorder field, we have been enthusiastic for quite some time about the research on self-compassion and its efficacy in eating disorder recovery, as well as anxiety disorders, depression, and trauma-informed therapy. We see a great deal of benefit to our clients and are hopeful that this line of treatment continues to grow and be successful in alleviating our patient’s stress and suffering.

For additional help, remember a therapist can help guide you in reframing negative beliefs, dealing with self-criticism, and developing healthier thought processes and behaviors. Recovery and a better life are possible with connection and support. SpringSource is here to help. Please reach out to us at 224-202-6260⁠. We offer free 15-minute initial consultations: schedule here.

More Resources:

• Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff: Join the Community Now
• Embrace Self-Compassion with Books by Dr. Kristin Neff
• The Transformative Effects of Mindful Self-Compassion – Mindful
• Befriending Your Body: A Self-Compassionate Approach to Freeing Yourself from Disordered Eating: Biasetti, Ann Saffi: 9781611806083: Amazon.com: Books