How to Handle Diet Talk and Body Shaming During the Holidays

Why Is Diet Talk Worse During the Holidays?

Diet talk tends to get worse during the holidays because gatherings often place food, bodies, and weight at the focus. And this year, with GLP-1 weight-loss medications in wide use, talk about food and diet can be more intense than ever. Body shaming and weight stigma, peppered with that diet talk, are sure to make their annual appearance. Creating safety for yourself, especially if you are recovering from an eating disorder, can, and we think should, be a top priority for maintaining mental health.

If you struggle with disordered eating and are worried (understandably so) about what might transpire during the upcoming holidays, we are here to provide hope. You are not powerless, and you are not alone in this struggle. We have several tips that can help you prepare a plan of action to get through, and even enjoy, the holidays.

First, let's explore how the tentacles of diet culture present themselves in real life. Then, we will learn how to combat them with skills, compassion, and self-care.

"Have You Lost Weight?" It's Not the Compliment You Think It Is

Have you ever heard someone ask, "Have you lost weight?" followed by "You look great!" While these observations may be well-intentioned, they can do more harm than good. They signal that someone is viewing another person as a before and after. If you've ever received one of these so-called compliments, it can produce conflicting feelings. You might feel relief and pride that you are in a more socially acceptable body type and, at the same time, grief that you were considered less than before. If a person is struggling with an eating disorder, giving words to what body shapes are considered "good" or "bad" can be even more painful. However they’re meant, comments on bodies can be damaging.

So what can you say instead? Try leading with warmth that has nothing to do with someone’s body:

• “It’s so good to see you.”

• “You seem really well, I’ve missed you.”

• “I love getting to spend this time with you.”

• “Tell me what’s been going on with you.”

Noticing someone’s energy, presence, or what they’re excited about lets them feel seen without making their body the subject.

What Is Considered Body Shaming?

• Self-Criticism: Being self-critical and expressing hatred towards our bodies is damaging, but it can also feel like a bonding experience, especially among women. Witnessing someone else being self-critical about their appearance can also cause us discomfort. We may feel unsafe, as though that negativity could easily turn on us. It may trigger our shame and make it easier for us to feel bad about our own bodies.

• Criticizing Another's Appearance: This can take many forms, such as "Are you going to wear that?" said in a tone that definitely implies the answer should be no. Being critical of bodies and using labels such as "thunder thighs" or "big boned" is another tactic of body shaming.

• Talking Negatively Behind Someone's Back: Snide observations harm both the unknowing recipient and everyone else within earshot. It raises the question, "What are you saying about me when I'm not in the room?"

Body shaming can affect anyone, young people, adults, and all genders of every shape and size. Constant talk about diets, burning calories at the gym, nutritional content about meals, and any comments about bodies can instill shame and lead to unhealthy comparisons.

You might think, "She is thinner than me, and yet she is talking negatively about her body; what must she and everyone else think of me?" These discussions are also an unwelcome reminder that our bodies are continually being noticed, assessed, and judged.

We are all subject to the harmful tenets of diet culture, and learning to identify when it is happening is the first step in combating the negative messaging.

Dr. Angela Derrick notes, “Years ago, I had a client who posted a sign on the door of her refrigerator during the holidays, reading “Diet Talk is Not Welcome Here.” I liked the simplicity and straightforward nature of that gesture, as she was declaring her home a safe space, free of diet language. If anyone in the home brought up a topic related to diet or weight, she could reference back the sign in a lighthearted yet purposeful way. Whether or not a sign is actually posted, I like the idea of keeping that sentiment in mind as we head into holiday gatherings.”

How Does Weight Stigma Show Up During the Holidays?

If you live in a larger body and decide to have a piece of cake after the holiday meal, you fear that people will think, no wonder…, or judge you more overtly by looking askance at your choice. If you are a slender person who eats a piece of cake, you might think it's allowed because you are just giving yourself a treat. This scenario is just one of many examples of weight stigma.

People living in smaller bodies also face weight stigma through internalized fatphobia or having symptoms overlooked at doctor visits since they appear to be a "healthy" size. Because of fat bias, a person with an eating disorder might receive praise for their thinness, which can reinforce the eating disorder.

Other examples of weight stigma include:

• Being considered less competent because of your size

• Being treated as though you are less intelligent

• Your employer might pay you less than your thinner counterparts

• You may be stereotyped as lazy and lacking in self-control

• You could receive biased treatment from physicians

• You may be bullied or discriminated against in school and at work

Why Is Body Shaming So Common?

The short answer is that body shaming is so common because the diet culture behind it is centuries old, and it was built to serve a purpose: sorting people into who counts and who does not. That history still shapes how we see bodies today.

Who benefits from the enforcement of thinness as the ideal? Where did these ideas come from? Why are we so thoroughly entrenched in a diet culture that promotes a dehumanizing demand for perfection?

The SpringSource Book Club recently read and discussed Sabrina Strings's Fearing the Black Body: The Racial Origins of Fat Phobia. She provides a meticulously researched, fascinating historical context going back hundreds of years, showing how we have reached our current state. Strings offers compelling evidence that the obsession over weight and thinness was a means to divide or set apart those in society who considered themselves physically and intellectually superior. This advantaged segment has become an increasingly smaller sliver of society, with everyone else being categorized as inferior in some or many ways.

Societal rules around diet, weight, and shape can create a desire to reach for the thin ideal in the hopes of gaining more power and privilege, but also just trying to exist in the world without negative consequences. Pursuing thinness can keep us from being ostracized or even punished. Chasing the ideal instead of challenging it is a very human response.

Self-Compassion During the Holidays

What do the history and origins of our toxic diet culture have to do with challenges around the holidays? We can better understand that these waters run deep and have centuries of history behind them. We can show ourselves compassion for the harmful beliefs we may have had, or still have. We can also take a compassionate attitude towards our friends and family, who likely may have no idea how damaging this culture is to self and others.

It doesn't mean we lie down and volunteer to accept diet talk. It means we have a compassionate stance towards ourselves and others as a starting point. Under these conditions, we can gently implement other measures needed to stay mentally healthy and happy at our gatherings.

How Can You Handle Diet Talk at the Holidays?

• Practice actively rejecting diet talk, whether it shows up at the dinner table or appears as internalized criticism. You would be surprised how powerful it is to say to yourself, "I reject that," "That's not true," "That concept does not work for me," or "Disagree and Disobey."

• Prioritize spending time with the people in your life who are body-positive (or even body-neutral) and refuse to comment on others' physical appearances. If you are struggling with body image, spending time with these people can be helpful. If you are at a family gathering, try to stick closer to these folks if they are there.

• Once you become aware of how you body shame yourself, you might begin to advocate and speak up to your friends and family, discussing with them why you find this mindset harmful and how you would like to steer clear of this kind of talk.

• Try to focus on the things you like about your body, or simply on what your body lets you do or what it needs to function well. This can help put you in the frame of mind to take good care of yourself.

• When diet talk occurs, you can remind yourself that this is not about you. If your companions count calories and discuss the need to go to the gym to work off all the "bad" food they are about to eat, remember this is where they are on their journey. You don't owe any contribution to the conversation, including disagreeing or agreeing. There is power in regulating your own emotions around this subject and permitting yourself to opt out of participating.

• Try changing the subject. If that doesn't work, you can always comment on how wonderful the food is, whose grandmother passed down the recipe, or how much you enjoy spending time together. If someone starts with questions about calories, you can say "I don't know, but it tastes delicious," and continue on your path.

• Keep a few ready-made lines in your pocket. When diet talk starts, a light, practiced response lets you step out without a debate: “I’m just here for the food and the company,” “I'm opting out of the diet talk today, tell me what’s new with you,” or “I’m taking a much-needed break from over-analyzing food and diet for the holiday.” Each one ends your part of the conversation without an argument.

• You always have the option to excuse yourself. Please know it is okay to leave the conversation and take a moment to ground yourself. You may be learning to be kind to yourself and treat yourself with compassion for the first time, and an uncomfortable conversation can elicit big feelings. It's always okay to take time out to calm and regulate yourself.

• Have a friend who understands, and make a plan ahead of time that you will reach out if needed. Leaning on a friend who can be a listening ear can help bring you to a place of calm and peace.

Food Freedom and Body Acceptance

Food freedom and body acceptance take much work and are hard to achieve because they go against societal norms. Harmful diet culture ideas are likely ingrained in our psyches from a young age. Its influence is ever-present in our advertising, social media, and movies, not to mention how we experience diet culture in medical settings and, of course, how we may be socialized into this mindset from our families of origin (it was passed down to them from their parents as well).

Practicing compassion can be a great start: compassion for those stuck in the diet culture mindset who may never deconstruct it, as well as self-compassion for ourselves and the work we must do to overcome harmful ideals in a society that doesn't understand. Practicing self-love and forgiveness at every stage of this journey can allow us to feel joy and be proud of our progress, whether large or small.

Ditching diet culture (food freedom) and accepting our bodies as they are, even if we aren't completely satisfied with them, is the antidote to the body shaming and weight stigma we may be experiencing out in the world and even more so during the holidays. Acceptance is powerful. It doesn't mean that change will never happen; it means that we are compassionately meeting ourselves exactly where we are, and that is what we can do today.

About SpringSource

At SpringSource: Eating, Weight & Mood Disorders, we offer expert, compassionate care for people struggling with eating disorders. We also provide evidence-based recovery for anxiety, depression, OCD, trauma, addiction, and relationship issues.

Because recovery looks different for everyone, we meet people at more than one level of support. Alongside individual therapy, our Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) gives adults more structure and connection for working through eating disorders, mood disorders, and the patterns underneath both. It is available in person at our Chicago and Northbrook locations, and in hybrid or virtual formats throughout Illinois. The holidays can be an especially helpful time to have that higher level of support in place.

We believe there are many paths to healing and look forward to helping facilitate your individual recovery journey. Call SpringSource today at 224-202-6260 or fill out our contact form, and our team will reach out.